With Eyes Wide Open
by Jay-Leigh17
Summary: I've often wondered why people close their eyes when they cry. Is it just so they can get away with pretending a little longer? Because the reality of their situation is so bad that they can't bear to face it?


**Author's Note: **I suppose you could say that this is set right after the episode **JJ**. Well, during, sort of. Because she leaves the bullpen, then comes back to it empty. But, this is as she leaves the first time, to go hand in her evaluation to Strauss.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Criminal Minds, nor would I really enjoy doing so, I don't think.

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I've often wondered why people close their eyes when they cry.

My mother used to cry by herself in the bathroom. She closed her eyes, and I'm starting to think that she thought if she couldn't see the image of herself in the bathroom mirror, tears streaming down her face, then she could pretend it wasn't real. That she wasn't really crying.

My best friend in college, she closed her eyes when she cried. I guess she thought that if she couldn't see me seeing her cry, she could pretend I wasn't seeing it. If she could pretend that nobody could see it, then nobody knew. And it wasn't real. She wasn't really crying.

I only saw my Grandfather cry once, at my Grandmother's funeral. He closed his eyes. I always thought he closed them so that he could pretend to be with her again. So that he could pretend she wasn't gone. And he wasn't crying.

I've often wondered why people close their eyes when they cry. Is it just so they can get away with pretending a little longer? Because the reality of their situation is so bad that they can't bear to face it?

I'm standing here, listening to Spencer whisper about how they "can't just take you away", and Hotch apologize for not being able to stop it.

I think briefly about closing my eyes, seeing if I could make this all disappear. Because, this just can't be my reality. She never mentioned this. And this is a really big deal. Life changing. And not just her life.

I wonder again about closing my eyes, but this time its because I'm afraid of what she would see if she looked into my eyes.

Would she see betrayal, because she kept this from me?

Would she see the fight, the one she never gave me a chance to lose?

Would she see, finally, that the life she's always telling me to go get is dangerously close to walking out on me?

I try to tell myself that this isn't her choice, that if she had her way, she would still be here with us, with me. But mostly it just backfires. And I think about all the reasons I want her to stay.

Because, she's the only one who knows that when I need to be comforted, I'm more likely to try to comfort someone else. She's the only one who knows that when I'm scared, I fight, and when I fight, I fight dirty. The only one who knows that I'm more likely to attack someone's character than admit that they hurt me.

But really, I want her to stay because I'm oh so in love with her, and she never let me tell her.

I don't bother to close my eyes before she can see that. If she's leaving, my loving her isn't going to make it stop.

I'm standing here, watching her walk out of my life, and it isn't until someone – Derek, I think – points it out that I realize I'm crying. But, my eyes are open. I suppose, so I can't pretend that my reality is anything it isn't. Whether this is because I know I'm just not strong enough to open them again if this isn't what I see with them closed, or just because I've never been one to pretend, I'm not sure.

I don't think it matters at this point. Because this, watching her walk out, knowing she won't be back, knowing that she didn't give enough of a damn to let me fight for her, this is my reality now. And as I watch her turn her back on us – on me – I realize that it really doesn't matter if I close my eyes, because even with them closed, I wouldn't be able to pretend that this doesn't hurt worse than anything I'd ever imagined.

Even with my eyes closed, she'll still be gone, and I'll never be able to forget how that feels.

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**A/N:** I'm sure that you can figure out who's narrating this. And I'm pretty sure its finished, even if you beg. There isn't much more to be said, I don't believe.


End file.
